The Barnyard

I prefer my women all decked out in a rasher of bacon.

A guy walks into a bar. Says ouch!

What is an undertakers favorite element?

Barium

What do you call a homie on a bicycle?

Mobile Holmes.

Mpcoans girlfriend is sooooo nasty blind people try to read her butt.

What goes in hard and comes out soft?
bubblegum

Dang, I was going to guess penis.

What do you do when your dishwasher breaks down?
Slap her in the a$$ and tell her to get back in the kitchen.

What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After a few years, your job still sucks.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already. (I know, I know. Thats wrong)

How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
Both begin with alot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.

In a dusty Mexican city the official bell ringer for the church dies, so priest puts out add for new bell ringer. Only applicant was an armless fellow, but fellow explains he rings the bell by hitting clapper with his face.
First day on job, the fellow can't reach clapper so he leaps toward the bell to ring it. Over shoots it, flies out of belfry window to his death. Crowd gathers around and calls for the priest - "Father - what is this poor man's name?" Father, "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell"...........next day priest posts another add and another armless man shows up. This man says he is the brother of the poor deceased man, but promises he is a better bell ringer so priest hires. Next day, same thing he over shoots the bell, out the window and dead. Crowd gathers and asks "father what is the name of this man?" Father "I don't know his name, but he's a dead ringer for his brother"