Palmetto Proving Grounds

Chinese proverb goes something like this: Man with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.

I check the Obituaries to make sure I'm still alive.

Right here

that's kindergarten stuff, 3rd base, I pee off the side of my bed, polish off a pint of everclear, post my thoughts on the bball team, puke, and pass out. Then, I wake up two hrs later, look at the hooker next to me, jump out the window and walk home ten miles in my boxers.
and thats all before 6am.
does anyone know what day it is today?

This actually 3rdBase's seventh inning stretch routine.